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THE DWARVES

SETTING: THE DWARVES – KNOWN AROUND THE WORLD FOR THEIR INFAMOUS LIVE SHOWS… ARE THE GUYS REALLY AS CRAZY AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT? IS IT POSSIBLE AS A GIRL TO GET OUT ALIVE OF A BACKSTAGE ROOM WITH THE DWARVES – NAMELY BLAG DAHLIA, THE FRESH PRINCE OF DARKNESS, CLINT TORRES AND WRECK-TOM? QUESTIONS DEMANDING ANSWERS… AND – DON’T TAKE THIS TOO SERIOUS ;-) HERE’S EIGHTEEN MINUTES OF UNFILTERED MADNESS WITH THE DWARVES, AND HERE IS HOW IT ALL STARTS… (INTERVIEWER STARES INTO CAMERA-EYE OF A VIDEO CAMERA) SO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE VIDEO-FILMING FOR?? Blag: My name is Blag the Ripper. I have the largest penis in rock music! OK, BLAG WE HAVE THAT FOR THE RECORD NOW…HI… AND I’M STEFFI! YEAH… B: You look fabulous, Steffi. WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, BLAG. YOU LOOK FABULOUS AS WELL! B: Thanks for dressing up. Thanks for playing. OH, YOU HAVEN’T SEEN MY EVENING OUTFIT, YET. GONNA SAVE THAT FOR THE SHOW LATER… B: We’ll be seeing you, my friend, for passions and fury in Bielefeld. SO, IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU’RE PLAYING IN BIELEFELD? I REMEMBER YOU PLAYED SOME CLUB HERE IN THIS AREA MORE THAN 13 YEARS AGO… B: Is that right? I don’t remember anymore, Steffi. I just go where they point me. At this point. But I know I’ve been to Germany and I love it here. The women have tremendous, tremendous passion. OK… HOW MANY GERMAN GIRLS HAVE YOU SEDUCED THEN SINCE YOU GOT TO GERMANY LAST WEEK? LIKE I SAID, IT HAS TAKEN YOU A WHILE TO GET BACK HERE… B: There was two last night, three the night before, and… I don’t know… a couple in the crematorium. (looks at the door where Hewhocannotbenamed just enters the room, his face covered under a fetish mask, leaving only nose and mouth open) And there he goes: Hewhocannotbenaaaaamed. Arrgh!!! Hwcbn: (leans in to the microphone and lets out something completely uncomprehensable, which is followed by collective laughter by the whole band) Arrgjhodsakuehrhecluhjkn!!! UHUM, THIS IS OBVIOUSLY HEWHOCANNOTBENAMED… OK, LET’S TALK ABOUT THE NEW ALBUM FOR A BIT… AT LEAST FOR A SPLIT SECOND - B: The Dwarves must die!!! Buy it! Buy two copies, buy one for your mom. Wreck Tom: Live it. Learn it. Love it. If you don’t like it, buy it anyways and give it to someone that you hate. There you go. WHY? WOULD YOU SAY THIS IS AN ALBUM SOMEONE COULD HATE? I MEAN, IN SOME WAYS I DO AGREE THERE. ALMOST FOR EVERYONE THERE ARE ONE OR TWO SONGS ON THE ALBUM, WHICH THEY COULD HATE. PEOPLE WHO ARE INTO PUNK ROCK WOULD PROBABLY HATE THE HIP HIP-STUFF. PEOPLE WHO ARE INTO ROCK’N ROLL, THEY WOULD HATE SONGS LIKE “BLAST”, I COULD SEE THAT - B: We did it all, Steffi. We ran the game, that we’re the Dwarves, the greatest band in the world. Clint Torres: Ich bin ein Dwarves! B: That’s right, man. We did garage, we did hip hop, we did punk rock, we did hardcore, we did noise. We went everywhere and we did everything. We are the Dwarves – and the Dwarves must die! Do you hear me, Scro-Tom? RIGHT… YOU’VE BEEN OFF THE SCENE FOR A FEW YEARS. IS THAT RIGHT? B: No, no! The scene has been off, we’ve been on. WELL, BUT MAINLY WORKING AROUND SAN FRANCISCO THEN? B: If you call that working?! SO, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THEN? JUST HANGING AROUND, SWOOPING ON GIRLS? B: Hewhocannotbenamed has been doing a lot of pimpin’. Here he goes… he’s swooping… (HEWHOCANNOTBENAMED MOVES IN AND MAKES SOME SEXY MOVEMENTS TOWARDS LAP OF THE INTERVIEWER) B: We’ve been swooping, we’ve been making looove, breaking hearts. We’ve been playing rock, we’ve been innovating styles and techniques of a classic band. LET’S STAY WITH THE MUSIC FOR A WHILE HERE. I WOULD SAY FROM THE FIRST ALBUM “BLOOD, GUTS AND PUSSY” UP TO NOW THERE HAS BEEN A CHANGE IN THAT WAY, THAT IT’S NOT REALLY PUNK ROCK ANYMORE. WAS THAT LIKE A PROGRESSION OR DID YOU JUST FEEL LIMITED IN THE PUNK ROCK GENRE? B: We are still punk rock. We live it, we love it. We’re not punk, though. Cause a punk is someone who gets into the butt at prison. So that’s not us. We invented punk rock, dude. Let me tell you some: I was there, ok? And I was better-looking than the competition. That’s the deal. WELL, BLAG… YOU’VE GOTTEN A BIT GREY.. B: You think so? YEAH! EVER THOUGHT ABOUT DYEING YOUR HAIR? B: It’s cause girls dig that. It’s like they’re screwing their Dad. Wreck-Tom: Wait till you see his pube… B: (chuckles) You know, what I’m saying? ALL GREY AND BROWN, HEY…? (CLINT LETS OUT A CHOKED LAUGHTER) B: That’s right, absolutely! That’s my underthings. The fact is, Steffi, we invented punk rock. We’re still here, we still do it, and we do it better than anyone else. We just add other things to. So if you’re out there, and you think you’re cool, you got your hair spiked, and you’re listening to punk rock: Shut the fuck up and buy the Dwarves albums, before I beat you down! Wreck-Tom: And know this: (yells) YOU KNOW NOTHING!!! I BET, KIDS IN AMERICA WOULD LOVE TO BUY THE DWARVES ALBUMS, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT ANYONE WHO LIVES OUT, FOR EXAMPLE, IN IOWA COULD BUY THEM AT A RECORD SHOP…? B: I’m from Iowa. Ok, I am Iowa… NO, YOU’RE NOT! B: I invented Iowa! I can sing the Iowa fight-song: (starts chanting) “Badgers, badgers, kiss me badgers!” No, sorry, that was Wisconsin badgers. I think, Iowa was the corn-toilets. SOUNDS LIKE WACKEN TO ME… B: Let’s talk about the women of Bielefeld. WHAT ABOUT ‘EM?! B: What’s up with the teenage fifteen-years-old running around here making obvious plays for Clint? IS THIS AN ALL-AGES SHOW HERE IN GERMANY TONIGHT? B: I hope so. IS IT ALL-AGES SHOWS IN AMERICA? B: Absolutely, are you kidding? Fresh Prince of Darkness: If you got braces, you get in for half-price. If you have braces and pig-tails, half price at any Dwarves show! B: Well, take that to the bank, kids. SORRY, A LITTLE LATE FOR THE GIRLS IN BIELEFELD TO INFORM THEM ABOUT PREFERENCES AND SUCH ATTRACTIVE BARGAINS AT TONIGHT’S SHOW… B: It’s never too late for the girls of Bielefeld, as long as they can get away from the guys of Bielefeld! I GUESS, IN A WAY YOU’RE RIGHT, HATE MYSELF TO SAY THAT… B: See?? (Hewhocannotbenamed makes sympathetic guttural sounds) Oh, Steff… I know, you’ve been hurt, girl, but we’re here! And Hewhocannotbenamed is here… I’M NOT HURT!!! B: We’re here to let the healing begin, Steff. OH, MY REVEREND… B: You know, what I’m saying…? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE PUNK ROCK GENRE THESE DAYS. OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE PRETTY PISSED OFF ABOUT THAT. IT’S BANDS SUCH AS GOOD CHARLOTTE, GREEN DAY AND OFFSPRING WHO ARE GETTING THE BIG SUCCESS - B: Offspring is on our new record. See, what I’m saying? So we like them. Fresh Prince of Darkness: Basically everyone sucks – except for us! And that’s just really the bottom-line. BUT HOW DID YOU GET ALL THESE BIG NAMES ASSEMBLED ON “THE DWARVES MUST DIE”? YOU GOT DEXTER HOLLAND, YOU HAD ERIC VALENTINE AS A PRODUCER… HAVE THEY BEEN BEGGING YOU - B: Everybody’s begging to be on the Dwarves album. Wreck-Tom: He said: “Listen, things aren’t going good, I want to expose you. I want you to be on something good!” B: And I can make a payment on my plane. Wreck-Tom: Exactly! You know, so he called us. He said: “Please, please let me be on a Dwarves album!” You know, we gave him the kinder shot. WHAT ABOUT ERIC VALENTINE? HE’S LIKE A MAINSTREAM PRODUCER. A BIG, BIG NAME, AND OBVIOUSLY NOT VERY CHEAP. WHO PAID FOR HIM? B: Dude, I’ve got… LOTS OF MONEY? B: In America we call it blackmail. Yeah! I’ve got pictures of Eric Valentine doing some stuff. Wreck-Tom: (chuckles) Blag-mail! B: That’s right. (laughs) The fact is, we’ve got little factoids on everyone. That’s how we make the best albums for no money, and we sleep with your mom. Have mercy! YOU’RE ALSO KNOWN FOR PLAYING LIVE SHOWS WHICH DOESN’T LAST LONGER THAN FIFTEEN OR TWENTY MINUTES. B: If you’re lucky! Fifteen, twenty minutes IF you’re lucky. HAS ANYONE EVER REQUESTED THEIR MONEY BACK? B: They have, but we’ve laughed a lot at them, pointed, and said: “Go home!” Wreck-Tom: And then we continued to make jokes about them after they leave the room. (whole band gives a dirty laughter) COME ON, GIVE ME ANYTHING TO DISPEL YOUR IMAGE OF BEING THE ALL-TOO-CRAZY-, OVER-THE-TOP GUYS. ANYTHING! ARE YOU PERHAPS BREEDING GUINEA PIGS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT? B: I’m breeding like a guinea myself. The fact of the matter is, the Dwarves are lifetime rock legends. And even five minutes from us is better than an hour and a half from any lame-ass band you know. Now I gotta say something here. May I, gentlemen? Who is this guy Scooter who we just saw? Who told this guy he could rap… and in English no less? Scooter – if you’re listening: Go the fuck home, you silly whack motherfucker! You couldn’t (w)rap yourself out of a Schnitzel!!! (everybody is breaking out in laughter). You know, what I’m saying? WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF THAT GUY? B: I was just watching TV. Wreck-Tom: It’s just awful! Conversally Vanilla Ninja. B: Vanilla Ninja. We wanna sleep with them. Yeah, we wanna sleep with Vanilla Ninja! Fresh Prince of Darkness: Is Scooter German? I gotta say: “Scorpions – all is forgiven! Come back!” You know, if the best your country has to offer is Scooter… we’ll take the Scorps back! B: (starts singing “No one like you” by the Scorpions, while the rest of the band is rolling around on the floor) WELL, GIVEN THE SMILE ON YOUR FACE WHILE SINGING OLD SCORPIONS SONGS, IF DEFINITELY GIVES THE SONG A DIFFERENT EDGE! DO YOU HAVE A POSER HISTORY, BY THE WAY? B: Absolutely! COME ON – MÖTLEY CRÜE, HANOI ROCKS, KISS – WHAT IS IT GONNA BE? B: I want you to know that I’ve always hated heavy metal and thought it was gay! Never for one second in my life did I like it. So, for those of you out there with pimples who think that’s rock’n roll: Shut up and go home! (INTERVIEWER, WHO LOVES METAL IS WINCING) OH, COME ON… YOU’RE FROM THE BAY AREA…! B: I’m not from the bay area, my friend. OK, YOU MOVED THERE A LONG TIME AGO. SO THAT PRETTY MUCH MAKES YOU SOMEONE FROM THE BAY AREA! B: I’m middle-America, dude. I’m a regular American redneck. YOU’RE FROM ILLINOIS. AND ILLINOIS IS NOT REALLY REDNECK-COUNTY! B: Are you telling me about Illinois, Steff?! Do I tell you about Bielefeld? No! I’VE BEEN TO KANKAKEE (NOTE: ONE OF THE VEEERY RURAL OUTSKIRTS OF CHICAGO)…! B: Kankakee?!?!?! (laughs and makes a moaning sound in union with Hewhocannotbenamed) Oh… Steff… Wait a minute – I remember you from Kankakee. That was you! You did some dirty stuff, Steff… Kankakee is still talking about you… I WAS ONLY FIFTEEN… B: I remember, believe me… BLAG, THE DWARVES ARE GONNA BRING OUT A DVD AND A LIVE VIDEO. B: That’s right. CAN THAT BE PURCHASED AT A REGULAR STORE OR WOULD YOU HAVE TO GO TO A PORN SHOP TO BUY IT? IS THAT ONE AN ALL AGES DVD, AND WHAT IS THE CONTENT GONNA BE LIKE? B: That’s a good question, Steff! What it is? Wreck-Tom, maybe you can field this one! What is up with the DVD? You are taking care of that! Wreck-Tom: The DVD is 25 years in the making. It is probably gonna be out on September 2025, or maybe after we’re all dead! (gives Blag a high-five) WHAT ABOUT THE PUBLISHING DATE OF THE 19TH OF APRIL THEN? B: 19th of April… Is that when it’s coming out? THAT’S AT LEAST WHAT IT SAID ON THE INTERNET. B: Well, look – it’s gonna be the best video ever. That much I can tell you. But I haven’t seen it. Fresh Prince of Darkness: Is that the New York one? B: I think, it’s New York. OH, IT’S A SHOW? B: Just live in New York, man. HOW LONG IS IT GONNA BE – FIFTEEN MINUTES? B: I don’t know if you’ve been to New York, but I invented that city. Wreck-Tom: Now we’re huge. (laughter) Fresh Prince of Darkness: It’s an hour long. It’s actually five different shows. It’s an hour long, but it’s, yeah, it’s five complete shows. B (starts singing): “Babe… been a long time since we’beat your pop… (band is chuckling)… much too long for the man who needs off… I miss you since I’ve been eeeeweeee” I love you, Steff…! WORKING ON NEW SONGS, HUH? B: It’s clear that you understand me as few women have, Steff. Let’s go home and sleep together! OH, SINCE WE’RE IN THE BEDROOM RIGHT NOW… B: That’s right, we don’t have to go home. (gets all enthusiastic) We could have like a weird Dwarves orgy. Interview’s over! Beat it!! OH NOOO, OH NO… NOT YET…!! DO YOU CARE ABOUT SUCCESS AND ALL THAT? BECAUSE YOU’VE SHOT YOURSELVES IN THE FOOT A FEW TIMES, YOU COULD SAY…! (everyone breaks out in loud laughter) Wreck-Tom: If you have to ask the question… B: We care about success. Yeah, we care a lot. Can we please be successful, Steff? Fresh Prince of Darkness. I don’t care! B: Oh, he doesn’t care… NOT WITH THE MIDGETS ON THE COVER AND THE GIRLS AND USING THE WORD “FUCK” THAT OFTEN! B: Look! Other people use naked girls – they do great! Other people use the word “fuck” all the time – they do great! I’m still wondering: what’s the problem?! IF YOU ORIGINATED FROM GERMANY IT WOULDN’T BE A PROBLEM, BUT SINCE YOU ARE FROM THE STATES – EVEN IF YOU LIVE IN A LIBERAL CITY LIKE SAN FRANCISCO – THAT DOESN’T - B: Maybe we could do a record with Scooter! (chuckles) We call it “Das Wecken”. (everybody laughs) Clint: We call it ten-Schwanz! B: (Blag and Hewhocannotbenamed keep laughing) Hewhocannotbenamed, he’s the best-looking guy in rock! (INTERVIEWER HESITATES AND LOOKS AT THE FETISH MASK) YEAH… BUT ISN’T THAT A LITTLE TIGHT AROUND THE NOSE THERE? LOOKS, AS IF IT HURTS BECAUSE YOUR NOSE KEEPS GETTING RED. B: He leaves his nose out for cocaine! And incidentally, if you’ve got any, bring it to the show! I know, we’re a long way from Peru, but we’ll pretend that your speed is coke. Wreck-Tom: Peru is with us! I GOTTA ADMIT THAT YOU’RE THROWING ME A BIT OFF-CONCEPT RIGHT HERE B: Oh… come on, Steff… roll with it. Look – the Dwarves must die. Best record of the year, best record of the decade. You best get out and buy it. Steffi is about to play a cut or two from that record. Every genre, every style. Naked women, Hewhocannotbenamed. It’s got everything you need on a rock record. It’s got the Fresh Prince of Darkness, Clint Torres, it’s got Wreck-Tom. We’re taking over! I PERSONALLY THINK IT’S A SIMILAR STYLE AS ON “THE DWARVES ARE YOUNG AND GOOD-LOOKING”. IT’S NOT THAT MUCH LIKE THE LAST ALBUM “THE DWARVES COME CLEAN” FROM 2000. WOULD YOU AGREE THERE? COME ON – ONCE! AT LEAST!!! B: I guess, my take on this, Steffi, would be: whichever record you listen to while playing with yourself, is my favourite record! (the singer of the opening band SIN CITY CIRCUS LADIES, Shambhu, dances into the room in a fancy dress and a remarkably distinguished ladies) B: Oh, there she is… Shambhu: Have you got any booooze??? B: (towards Shambu): Come on, say something for the radio! Say the name of your band! Shambu (with a sweet accent): My band is SIN CITY CIRCUS TURKISH LADIES! OH, HELLOOOOO… Shambu: Hi, hello, nice to meet you. Hello, my name is Shambu. YOU’RE FROM WHERE? Shambu: (acting as a perfect diva) I’m from Planet Porn! (laughter) And I’m looking for a bottle of booze actually (translates into: Jack Daniel’s). HE’S GONNA BE ON STAGE LATER THEN?! B: She is gonna be on stage later. Is that Rosie O’ Donnell’s new band? (chuckles) Dosie O’ Rommel is what they call her in Germany. (lband rolls all over the floor after the joke sinks in) OK, BLAG, ONE LAST - (HIGH-FIVES TO BLAG FROM HEWHOCANNOTBENAMED) YOU’RE ALSO KNOWN FOR PUTTING OUT COUNTRY RECORDS, YOU’ ARE INTO COUNTRY MUSIC - B: Yeah, everything! Bluegrass, Country. SOMETHING LIKE THE PROJECT EARL LEE GRACE YOU RELEASED A FEW YEARS AGO – IS SOMETHING LIKE THAT GOING TO BE PUBLISHED BY YOU AGAIN IN THE FUTURE? B: Dude, Earl Lee Grace is out of print. I need the people of Germany to demand that it come back into print. It’s the first bluegrass record you’ve ever heard. NO, IT’S NOT. B: Ok. It’s not, but it could have been. And that’s the important part, Steff. The fact is: we’re country, we’re bluegrass, we’re hip hop, we’re pop, we’re hardcore. We’re everything, we’re everything and more. The Dwarves must die!!! Bielefeld – I love you, man! You freedom-haters! They hate freedom! OK…

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